you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
