I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
