We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i will never coherently bang her
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
