I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
