you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
