wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
BRING THE BAGELS
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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