A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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