halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
