So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
