I wish my penis had an off switch
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
