she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
