Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
