I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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