My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
