If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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