Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
