There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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