can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
