so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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