I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
