Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
