plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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