you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
