security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
