i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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