The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
