he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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