She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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