I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
