I wish my penis had an off switch
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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