You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
