No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
