I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
