Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
