I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
