A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
