...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
