I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
