For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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