he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
