Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
