I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
