it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
