i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
