Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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