Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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