Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
