I want to walk on stilts...naked
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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