so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
