maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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