Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
