he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
