If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
